Late night thought:

Humans are like dogs who gain your affection and then turn and bite at the first sign of insecurity. I guess that means they are ultimately not to be trusted. 

Also.

Still in dire need of moving. Portland's on the mind. 

Also.

My roommate continues to prove that the word "friend" to him translates to "someone I am fucking or want to fuck". 

What could I possibly wish for today?

_(dotdotdot)_

Watching Cowboy Bebop with Baby. 

Still listening.

"I can't be your apologist very long. I'm surprised that you'd want to carry that on."

Last night my bosses showed me all of their goodies from Egypt. There were a lot. Silk on silk hand woven rugs, handmade marble alabaster jars, spices, teas, turkish coffee (my favorite). Last night over beer, she put some concentrated rose oil on my wrists. It smelled like a rose more than a rose smells like a rose. I just sniffed my wrists. They still smell like roses. And here, I always thought I hated the idea of roses...

Listening, now, to New York Cares by Interpol. You would find it under number five.

I like it better when it doesn't exist.

Can't stop listening to Carry the Zero by Built to Spill. Possibly my addiction song of this week.

Got a postcard today from Borneo. 

Meanwhile, I'm stuck in real life. 

Whatever that is. 

I think I'm bored. 

I found this today. Tonight I end sort of unofficially my month-long housesitting gig in the mountains in the middle of nowhere outside of Las Vegas. A part of me is glad to be getting out of here. Another part of me is anxiety-ridden about going back to the house. I'd like to move sooner than May/June/July. Can we fast-forward please? I hope it's better than what I think it's going to be. I'm so tired all of the time. I woke up this morning and went to mountain-hood gas station for a fill up before my trek to Vegas. It was early and someone was burning a campfire. The sun was warm and the air was slightly cool. There was a woman outside of the gas station drinking a cup of tea with her eyes closed and her face, warm and smiling to the sun. There were some local dogs lounging around the doorway. The lady at the gas station knows me now. She says hello. For the first time in a bit, I feel really excited about the moment, about the immediate future. Somehow, I'm reminded of the same feelings I would get in Telluride. Mountain towns are nice, if you're just visiting.  Next week I will tell my bosses I'm leaving. Often, I feel like a jerk. 

And how does that make you feel?

Built to Spill .carry the zero.

You can recognize the fact that people will always be a disappointment. Maybe that's something everyone knows. It's more wrenching to recognize the singular person who was the biggest disappointment out of all of the people who have disappointed you in your life. It's more than dislike or hatred, it's much deeper. I don't know even know that it has an ending or a bottom in which it could crash.

Some people don't feel guilty for being more than a mere disappointment or letdown, and they don't feel indebted to the person who views them that way. As if by feeling that way makes disappointment void and non-existent. The hardest thing to do is to validate another person's feelings when those feelings contradict and make uncomfortable the image you have made of yourself. For some, it's simply impossible.

I don't think I'm better than it or that I was higher and more dignified than what took place. It just ended up being painfully meaningless. It continues to be painfully meaningless on a nearly daily basis. That's all. Nothing more. "Do you remember when I wished you were dead? heh. That was funny."

All I want is to win.

"And you're so occupied with what other persons are occupied with and vice versa. And you've become what you thought was dumb. A fraction of the sum...I was trying to help but I guess I pushed too hard, now we can't even touch it."

The Microphones .i felt your shape.

Sometimes I feel like I have no friends. Sometimes I wish that I didn't have any so that I wouldn't have to wonder why I feel alone the way I do. Life seems to become a series of what we think things are and what they really are. What life sometimes comes down to is, we are everything we can't be honest about. 

And what everyone is trying to tell me is: Yes, it is possible that you ARE always wrong. 

"I thought I felt your shape but I was wrong. ... It was dumb to hold so tight."

Radiohead .gagging order.

Depression is just a word. It doesn't mean anything. Today I think, "I promise to always be mediocre." Every day I think, "I don't feel like living anymore." I don't know what it means to be dying except for in what it means to be living. I don't know what it means to be dead. I can't imagine it would be anything better or worse than life.

I get so angry with myself at times for feeling so ungrateful in life. There was this girl on tv who had two heartattacks by the age of 19. I spent this afternoon crying because I felt like a horrible human being. I am very good at being human. That's all. I don't think it takes work to be happy or sad. Emotions are effortless. I just...can't be happy sometimes. Lately I just want to give up for a while. 

"I know what you're thinking. But I'm not your property. ... Move along there's nothing left to see. Just a body, pouring down the street."

Where are we going and why are we all in a handbasket?

Yesterday I went to the DMV to finally legalize my car after a long month of driving around, paranoid I'd be pulled over. It never fails that the second I step into the DMV that I realize I'm starving. Not so fortunately, the DMV provides an overpriced junk food bar. So I purchased myself some chili cheese nachos that were generously doused in cheesy goodness promising an upset stomach later on. 

I took my nachos and purposefully sat across from two middle aged, slightly overweight men and pretty much forced them to watch me down my gooey, delicious nachos. One of them started chomping furiously on his gum and avoided looking at me at all costs. The other one crossed his arms and glared at me with intense hatred the entire time. I made it worse by moaning delightfully with each bite and noisely licking the excess chili cheese off of my fingertips. 

That being said, I think that people are generally evil at heart.