I am the longest lily
reaching to press against the skin of your face
and consume your senses within me.
This world would surely wilt without you
inhaling me
without your breath
hanging on my skin
without your eyelashes
entangled and mingling among my anthers.
The sun is simply a cruel reminder of your absence,
and until you breath me in,
I am merely the
anatomy of a lily
In your presence,
I am the beauty and appreciation of the lily.

Sometimes I find whole books of forgotten things....

"Invariably, there comes a time in every one's life where loved ones and hopefuls are consistently disappointing, regardless of expectation. Where you face the reality of whether or not love truly exists; where things are going well and adventures are abundant, yet there's still this rot in your heart and it's a fresh rot, painful to think about and painful to let yourself feel. There comes a time in every one's life where they must make a decision: To let yourself continue to feel, knowing you may be faced, still, with endless disappointment, or to cut off that organ and tell yourself you will never fear again and never fill the rot with life, letting it become a phantom apparatus with the occasional reminder that there used to be something there. Something you've convinced yourself you are no longer afraid of. Something beastly and stenching of pride, ego, and apprehension.

This isn't about men vs women. This isn't about women vs women. This isn't about race, wealth, class or gender. You could say that this is about equality. Mostly this is about you vs me.

Let me explain."



"It's the catch of wanting to find him smothered in the lie,
but it would only
follow with further
hatred.
I just want justification
for feeling this way, I
guess.
The Hanged Man and The Fool.
Together at last."

"It's the catch of want
(desire) of capturing the
lie, of inheriting disease,
poor will, misfortune,
negativity.
Comfort through obscenity.
Comfort in knowing you are right about all
that will go wrong.
The obscene joker.
Treacherous damsel.
The Hanged Man and The Fool
together at last."




"The relationship is an experiment.
An experiment taken too personally and too far."



"When being poor was
fashionable and we were
drunk with fashion.
Now it's rum head,
rum mouth, rum thoughts,
rum love.

There's no explanation for
the state we're in."




"Even in a group of self-claimed 'outcasts' I feel completely isolated.
Am I supposed to pretend to enjoy the music? Am I supposed to laugh at their stupid jokes?
I don't know.

Curtis comments on the house.
He says it's interesting.
There's an upstairs and a downstairs. I can't even begin to care.

There are cops outside. I almost wish they'd arrest us so that I could escape this facade.

I'm drunk.
Someone's talking about how I'm ignoring every one else. I feel foolish.
I feel self-aware.
I hate this scene.
I smile politely.
I don't know how else to act.
I want to laugh maniacally just to make everyone else uncomfortable.
They like my boots.
That's the only thing I have going for me here. "






"Justice comes in no forms.
I don't want to know about your children.
We're drunk. Isn't this inappropriate?
If I go smoke a cigarette, I could be alone.

I just want to sleep this week off.
I have nothing interesting to contribute to this stupid, meaningless conversation.
He has gone elsewhere with this awareness.
He's abandoned me and my insecurities as usual.

He was the one who wanted to come here.

As usual, I hate him. I hate the scenario he's placed us in.
I don't belong here.

Not as beautiful as the trash they are
i'm not trash i'm garbage. "

"flee, flee, flee, FLEE."




"Maybe the lesson needing to be learned is this: Love the World and the World will love you back. The real question to this lesson is, how do you learn to love the World?"

Today is dream-face-on-cloud-nine mode. Seriously.

And just a few days ago I was thinking, "Razor or gun?" Leaning, of course, toward razor. Seeing is believing after all. 

No more of that! 

It was the last Great Love. I could feel the whole world shake and tremble under its massive fall.  And that is when I really knew it would never happen again. That is when I realized it was gone from my life for good. 

.strange.

Late night thought:

Humans are like dogs who gain your affection and then turn and bite at the first sign of insecurity. I guess that means they are ultimately not to be trusted. 

Also.

Still in dire need of moving. Portland's on the mind. 

Also.

My roommate continues to prove that the word "friend" to him translates to "someone I am fucking or want to fuck". 

What could I possibly wish for today?

_(dotdotdot)_

Watching Cowboy Bebop with Baby. 

Still listening.

"I can't be your apologist very long. I'm surprised that you'd want to carry that on."

Last night my bosses showed me all of their goodies from Egypt. There were a lot. Silk on silk hand woven rugs, handmade marble alabaster jars, spices, teas, turkish coffee (my favorite). Last night over beer, she put some concentrated rose oil on my wrists. It smelled like a rose more than a rose smells like a rose. I just sniffed my wrists. They still smell like roses. And here, I always thought I hated the idea of roses...

Listening, now, to New York Cares by Interpol. You would find it under number five.