Built to Spill .carry the zero.
You can recognize the fact that people will always be a disappointment. Maybe that's something everyone knows. It's more wrenching to recognize the singular person who was the biggest disappointment out of all of the people who have disappointed you in your life. It's more than dislike or hatred, it's much deeper. I don't know even know that it has an ending or a bottom in which it could crash.
Some people don't feel guilty for being more than a mere disappointment or letdown, and they don't feel indebted to the person who views them that way. As if by feeling that way makes disappointment void and non-existent. The hardest thing to do is to validate another person's feelings when those feelings contradict and make uncomfortable the image you have made of yourself. For some, it's simply impossible.
I don't think I'm better than it or that I was higher and more dignified than what took place. It just ended up being painfully meaningless. It continues to be painfully meaningless on a nearly daily basis. That's all. Nothing more. "Do you remember when I wished you were dead? heh. That was funny."
All I want is to win.
"And you're so occupied with what other persons are occupied with and vice versa. And you've become what you thought was dumb. A fraction of the sum...I was trying to help but I guess I pushed too hard, now we can't even touch it."
Sometimes I feel like I have no friends. Sometimes I wish that I didn't have any so that I wouldn't have to wonder why I feel alone the way I do. Life seems to become a series of what we think things are and what they really are. What life sometimes comes down to is, we are everything we can't be honest about.
And what everyone is trying to tell me is: Yes, it is possible that you ARE always wrong.
"I thought I felt your shape but I was wrong. ... It was dumb to hold so tight."
Depression is just a word. It doesn't mean anything. Today I think, "I promise to always be mediocre." Every day I think, "I don't feel like living anymore." I don't know what it means to be dying except for in what it means to be living. I don't know what it means to be dead. I can't imagine it would be anything better or worse than life.
I get so angry with myself at times for feeling so ungrateful in life. There was this girl on tv who had two heartattacks by the age of 19. I spent this afternoon crying because I felt like a horrible human being. I am very good at being human. That's all. I don't think it takes work to be happy or sad. Emotions are effortless. I just...can't be happy sometimes. Lately I just want to give up for a while.
"I know what you're thinking. But I'm not your property. ... Move along there's nothing left to see. Just a body, pouring down the street."
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